Kid Shocked To Discover Parents Are Actually Married

LOS ANGELES — In a shocking turn of events, local six-year-old Aiden Thomas recently discovered his parents, previously thought to just be very good friends, are actually married. “I mean, I thought it was pretty bizarre that they live together, but I didn’t think they’d actually taken it that far,” reported Thomas at dinner, cringing in disgust as his mother’s wedding ring clinked against her spoon. “I just hope they’re getting their cootie shots. That shit’s contagious.” At press time, Thomas’ parents were wondering how to break the news that his day-old marriage to third-grader Stacey Andrews, officiated at a nearby park, isn’t legally binding.

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