Heartwarming: This Constituent Donated His Balls To Paul Ryan

The box seemed to be of normal weight.

With President Trump in the White House and the country increasingly divided, here’s some heartwarming political news we can all feel good about: one of House Speaker Paul Ryan’s Wisconsin constituents donated his testicles to the Congressman.

Mechanic Mike Albertson said he had grown worried about Speaker Ryan’s despondency and lack of courage in standing up to President Trump, a man who he was openly critical of during the past year’s election.

“He vowed to uphold and protect the Constitution, but he’s just been sitting there watching the President openly disrespect it — what kind of man does that? He clearly doesn’t have any balls,” said the exceptionally good samaritan. “So, I took it upon myself to saw off my scrotum and ship it to Washington; I know he needs these balls more than I do, and I trust he’ll put them to good use.”

Beautiful — a charitable donation to a public servant who has donated his life to fighting for all Americans.

“I am honored and humbled to have received this generous gift from my constituent, but I am afraid elected officials cannot accept gifts,” said Speaker Ryan during a press conference outside of the Capitol. “We will return the testicles to Mr. Albertson and continue working hard for everyday Americans.”

Ah, those darned politicians always finding legal loopholes!

By the time the balls were returned to Albertson, however, he was undeterred and already hard at work researching the possibility of a spine donation.

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Robust and well-rounded, this full-bodied Jack has zesty notes of citrus and pine complemented by an oaky undertone and hints of caramel.