Guy Who’s Not Happy To See You Just Has Banana In Pocket

WESTWOOD — Area man Jeremy Bentham clarified Tuesday that he was not, in fact, aroused by your presence, and that the bulge in his pants was simply due to a banana in his pocket. “I fucking hate you, actually,” said Bentham, 28, who has a severe potassium deficiency. “But my doctor said I gotta keep a banana on me at all times. It also doubles as an emergency cell phone, gun, or strap-on. Just kidding about that last one — I still hate you!” At press time, Bentham had revealed that he was also not pregnant, and was simply hiding a basketball under his shirt.

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