Pasta, museums, one euro wine bottles: what more could a college student want? Clearly nothing, because your friend decided to ditch you for some European city that doesn’t even have a Rocco’s or Boelter Hall. While it’s hard enough watching their twenty-photo-long Instagram stories of artsy cobblestone streets and club music that sounds like robot sex, don’t get too excited about them coming back—the friend you knew is no more. But don’t despair! This guide is here to dampen the shock of their new, de-Americanized persona upon their return.
1. Bid Adieu to Beloved American Slang
Cherish those memories of your friend saying “slay,” “no like yeah,” and “let’s mob that jawn tn.” When they get back from Paris, the only thing you’ll hear coming out of their mouth is “wow LA public transportation is awful” and the dreaded “when I was abroad…” You can try all you want to remind them how much more comfortable your car is and how they used to love stand-still traffic, but they won’t shut up about ‘sustainability’ and ‘walkable cities’–whatever that means. But worst of all: stay away from Starbucks, lest they order a qwasson.
2. Auf Wiedersehen, LA Fashion Taste
Picture this. It’s your first night out reunited with your long-awaited roomie, and you’re ready to hit the local sweaty frat basement. You’ve put on the typical UCLA mandated uniform: jeans, a black crop top, and white sneakers; but look over and you’ll see them wearing something of a mix between your middle school goth era and a dominatrix. What the eff? When confronted, they’ll probably say something along the lines of ‘this is what I was wearing when I got into Berghain!’
3. Ciao to Tasty Yankee Chow
While your friend is abroad, you’re guaranteed to be bombarded by hundreds of photos of various cheeses, aperol spritzes, and copious amounts of cigarettes. But surely once they’re back home they’ll remember how amazing American cuisine is, right? Wrong. No matter how many times you go out for unlimited Olive Garden breadsticks or order an In-N-Out 4×4, you’ll still hear them rave about how fresh “fruit” and “vegetables” were in Florence. And the worst part? They’ll keep smoking cigs and won’t hit their delectable rainbow gummy bears ice Elf Bar anymore. Gross.