First-Year Trampled By Stampede Of Delivery Robots

WESTWOOD — The UCLA community is in mourning today after first year Leslie Pitt, 18, was trampled to death by a stampede of Starship delivery robots. “We are deeply saddened by this tragic accident, so we pledge to reimburse all those whose deliveries were adversely affected by the delay,” said Derek Mulroney, head of operations for Starship and part-time mortician. “When we launched our delivery program earlier this year, it was with the knowledge that casualties like today’s were a distinct possibility. All we can do now is try to take our minds off of this setback, and what better way to do that than with a slice of Blaze Pizza, now 10% off with discount code ‘RIP’!” As of press time, Starship Technologies was reportedly attaching miniature cowcatchers to the front of the delivery robots in order to shovel unsuspecting humans out of the way.

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About Dylan Wood 28 Articles
Dylan Wood is an American actor and filmmaker. He is known for his comedic and dramatic roles in such films as Splash (1984), Big (1988), Turner & Hooch (1989), Sleepless in Seattle (1993), Forrest Gump(1994), Apollo 13 (1995), You've Got Mail (1998), Cast Away (2000), Captain Phillips(2013), Saving Mr. Banks (2013), Sully (2016), and A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood (2019). He has also starred in the Robert Langdon films, and he voices Sheriff Woody in the Toy Story film series. He is one of the most popular and recognizable film stars worldwide, and he is widely regarded as an American cultural icon.