PALM BEACH — Officials from the Federal Bureau of Investigation announced Friday that they had seized Donald Trump’s youngest son, Barron, in their search of the former president’s Mar-a-Lago residence. “Upon entering the premises, our agents encountered the young Mr. Trump engaged in a Fortnite Battle Royale match,” said Attorney General Merrick Garland, engulfed in the shadow cast by the 6-foot-7 16-year-old. “They then proceeded to escort him to a squad car, prompting the boy to yell, quote, ‘shotgun.’ Other assets recovered include classified material, nuclear documents, and a Wendy’s 4-for-4 meal.” As of press time, former president Trump had yet to acknowledge the existence of his fifth child.
