Christian Fraternities Prepare for Surge in Pledges

WESTWOOD — Citing the UCLA Interfraternity Council’s unanimous decision to ban in-house frat parties involving alcohol, UCLA’s Christian fraternities are currently preparing for a massive surge in pledges.

“As a brotherhood founded on the teachings and principles of Jesus Christ, we feel so blessed that our choice to abstain from spirits and marijuana tablets has finally been enforced by the Council,” remarked the president of the faith-based Alpha Gamma Omega fraternity. “With the rest of the Greek community unable to organize events around these Godless vices, we expect a mass surge in pledges looking to get high from another power.”

While the recreational outings offered by the self-described Fraternity for Eternity – Worship & S’Mores and Jesus Burger BBQs, to name a couple – are devoid of the temptations that call most members of the Greek community a one-way Uber ride to hell, AGO maintains that they’re far more appealing than the alternatives.

“Smoking the devil’s lettuce may seem fun in the moment, but God and the human respiratory system sing the praises of those who choose another path,” AGO’s president asserted.

At press time, AGO members were spotted frowning when, an hour and a half into flipping burgers and copying scripture, prospective members had yet to arrive.

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