Bruin Café Introduces 3 a.m. “Hate Yourself” Meal Period

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Menu items encourage students to abandon all pretense of self-respect.

WESTWOOD—In an effort to better accommodate the eating habits of the typical college student, Bruin Café has added a new “Hate Yourself” dining period to their hours of operation. For one swipe, students can choose from a variety of take-out meals including an entire tub of ice cream, pasta sauce straight out of a jar, and just the marshmallows from a box of Lucky Charms.

This new service was designed to supplement the already-established Late Night meal period, which most students agree lacks menu items and service hours that truly reflect their expectations of late night dining.

“See, if you drop by B-Caf to get a smoothie at 11 p.m., you can still kind of convince yourself that you’re going to get your shit together one of these days,” said second year student Wesley Virginia between mouthfuls of Nutella. “But when you’re at that point in the night where you’ve been studying for a midterm you’re going to fail anyways, and your girlfriend’s mad at you, and your roommate comes home drunk, you need a meal with enough artificial cheese dust to make it clear that you’ve just given up.”

Bruin Café management stated that they are looking to expand the Hate Yourself beverage selection, which is currently limited to flat Code Red Mountain Dew, three cans of Red Bull, and the cold sludge left over from a pot of coffee that was brewed five hours ago when you still had aspirations and dreams.

“Whether it’s a microwave burrito that’s still frozen in the middle, or raw cookie dough sandwiched between two actual cookies, we are committed to designing a truly unique dining experience,” stated General Manager Jeff Berman. “Food is about so much more than nutrition. Or, in this case, so much less.”

Berman noted that the new meal period has been met with largely positive reactions, at least to the extent to which its customers are capable of feeling any emotion besides crippling existential terror. He believes that its popularity will continue to increase in years to come.

“As long as you keep hitting rock bottom,” Berman concluded, “so will our food. That’s our promise.”