Addition Of New “History of Blowjobs” Class Causes Widespread Controversy

By , in Campus News on .
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Supporters of the course argue that blowjob history has long been overlooked in favor of more western sexual practices, such as fingering.

WESTWOOD—Amidst a steadily increasing tide of budget cuts, many students and faculty members have been left wondering what the future of their departments will be. Over 112 different courses have been struck from the register since 2010, begging the question, “If cutbacks continue at this rate, will there be any University of California Los Angeles left in a generation’s time?”

These questions and more have been disturbingly left unanswered by UCLA finance administrators and the registrar’s office.

Yet despite the scaling down of expenditure and opportunity, new classes continue to enter our course guides each quarter. In the 2014 Spring quarter alone, UCLA saw fit to include a Geography class concerned solely with the territories found in Game of Thrones, a Mathematics course which forbids any use of the number 5, a Wookie Biology class taught in American Sign Language, and most controversially, HIST192BJ, a course detailing the History of The Blowjob.

“I’m just shocked.” said Marissa Jiang, a 3rd year Economics major. “I thought there already was a course about sucking people off – Political Science, amiright? Huh? Right? Get it? …It’s because politicians are like the…”

“I didn’t know what to think,” said Thom Jaundice, a 1st year History major enrolled in HIST192BJ. “I mean I figured it might be interesting, plus all the articles and readings listed on the syllabus are available on PornHub. I just really hope the professor doesn’t suck. Or does! Ahh! Get it? Suck? Because when you suck someone’s…”

The class itself will be taught by Dr. Sanders P. Keninama, a Seattle native who was once Dean Americus for the Chubb Institute in Missconsin, Virginia. “What people don’t understand,” Dr. Keninama told the Enabler, “is how discriminatory it is to have history classes for every ethnic heritage, every societal development, and every aspect of any culture, but to not focus on the rich history of gettin’ dome.”

“We want to uncover the origins of activities that are so central to the way we understand rounding the bases. You can’t go from first base to straight to home plate. You need to make a ‘shortstop’ between second and third. Get it? Huh? Y’know? Because in baseball the position between second base and…”

Perhaps due in part to the infamy and controversy that has been generated, History of The Blowjob filled it’s classroom capacity and entire waitlist faster than any other course in UCLA history, a record previously held by PSYCH155C, Equine Psychology.

Though the registrars office issued a statement acknowledging the uproar around the new history course, administrators at UCLA have decided to not only keep the class, but to expand it to a two-part upper division course with a lab and an accompanying Capstone Seminar.

Still, even that seems more than most students are willing to swallow.