BREAKING: Westwood Neighborhood Council Sends Troops To Occupy UCLA

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Members of the Westwood Neighborhood Council storm Royce Quad during their offensive (photo by Isaiah Little).

WESTWOOD — In a surprising act that sent shockwaves across the country, The Westwood Neighborhood Council sent armed troops to occupy the sovereign UCLA campus this morning.

In recent years, the tension between the students, administration, and faculty of UCLA and the Council has reached a critical point, and the creation of a new student-led council, Westwood Forward, appears to have driven the neighborhood council to its breaking point. By mid-afternoon, a garrison comprising local real estate developers and white-collar defense attorneys had stormed Powell Library, holding students hostage as Business Group Director and appointed general Robert Rogo raised Westwood’s flag atop the library’s dome. Members of the Westwood Neighborhood Council strongly defended their use of armed force.

“We’ve always allowed UCLA vast autonomy despite technically falling within Westwood’s borders, but their recent proposals for new student housing and demands for representation indicate that they may be on the brink of mutiny — and, worse yet, may be vying for complete independence from their local government,” said council president Lisa Chapman, who was granted emergency powers as dictator in perpetuity following the invasion. “One of their newly proposed residence halls would block certain homeowners’ view of the historic Fox Theater — that is a transgression that puts the social standing of everyone in our community in immediate jeopardy, and we were thus left with no other choice than to mobilize.”

Students were alerted of the invasion via a BruinAlert message warning students of “hundreds men in navy blue suits marching up Bruinwalk with fleets of Mercedes-Benz G-Wagons and firearms” and advising them to “stay indoors and prepare [their] bank statements immediately.” Members of the Undergraduate Students Associated Council (USAC) were arrested by marshals of the neighborhood council’s army as retribution for their public comments and criticism of the council as troops set up a base in the offices of Kerckhoff Hall. UCLA Chancellor Gene Block appealed to UCLA students’ school spirit in an emergency FaceTime from his estate.

“Bruins, a time of great adversity has suddenly fallen upon us. This day shall live in infamy, but our acts of valor shall not. Keep in mind your True Bruin values and face the enemy with the character John Wooden aimed to instill in us all,” said Chancellor Block, who had assumed the role of commanding a university militia. “We are fortunate to have an army of our own, as a clause in our football players’ NCAA contracts designates them as an emergency militia as needed. We are grateful to them for their hard work and sacrifices both on and off the field during this troubling time.” Minutes later, Block’s mansion was surrounded by G-Wagons and he was relieved of duty.

As the council’s troops toppled the John Wooden statue after setting fire to the Botanical Gardens at the time of publication, students received a BruinAlert telling them that the university’s administration did not foresee any evacuations and that classes were to continue as scheduled.