Hear hear, lads and ladettes! After decades of helpless submission to fate’s cruel game of chance, scientists and toymakers alike have designed a Magic 8 Ball that predicts exactly where, when, and how you’ll ruin your life!
Isn’t that extraordinary?
“This is the most magnificent machination to grace the twenty-first century,” head scientist/toymaker extraordinaire Denise Williams said in an official statement. “Before, we were but helpless primitives grasping through drunken tweets and dysfunctional relationships for some sign of how the universe would fuck us. Now, with the glorious, dare I say, assistance of the 8 Ball, we know exactly when to lie back and lube up our luxurious assholes.”
Past models of the Ball have merely supplied droll, discouraging answers to “yes-or-no” questions when faced with the arduous task of prophecy. But with the new model, one can discern not just whether Michael from History thinks you’re cute, but if spending five hours playing Uncharted the night before your chem final will catalyze your descent into a long, miserable life.
Williams added: “Whether the definitive moment arrives in the form of ghosting your Bumble match or skipping the interview that would’ve secured your dream job in Mykonos, this ball will pinpoint the exact moment your life transitions from merely disappointing into a screeching gargoyle begging to be put out of its misery.”
Cranial cavity blown!
The new Magic 8 Ball can be purchased with coins you dug out of your upholstery at the now-bankrupt Toys R Us. For a limited time, it comes with a half-empty jug of PBR, an expired package of Birthday Cake Oreos, and a scratched Sufjan Stevens CD that’s already been played twice by your suitemate’s boyfriend.
“I have such high hopes for what this toy can do,” Williams said. “Every day we spend in this remarkable universe is an opportunity to learn just what a fickle bitch it can be.”