Articles by Luke Moran
Obama Makes Cuts To Length Of Day
WASHINGTON—Citing the immense cost it takes to power the sun as well as a lack of sun-related job creation, president Obama announced today that the […]
I Will Dump A Bucket Of Ice Water On My Head For Whatever Cause, I Don’t Care
These days, it seems you can’t go a minute without hearing about the Ice Bucket Challenge. Everywhere you look, there’s some celebrity with a “wacky […]
Campus Wet
WESTWOOD—Flooded with what has been described as “a whole bunch of water”, parts of campus were closed yesterday because they got all wet and they […]
‘Gaping Death Pit’ Swallows Dozens Of Graduating Seniors
WESTWOOD—Following reports of several missing graduates, a search and rescue operation carried out by the Los Angeles Fire Department this morning revealed a total of […]
Kenyan Olympian Shatters Undie Run Record
WESTWOOD—In what commentators are describing as a “fantastic return to form”, former Olympic gold medalist Asbel Kiprop stunned the crowd tonight with a record-breaking performance […]
Procrastinating Sophomore Estimates He’s Only Got About An Hour Left To Play 2048
WESTWOOD—Saying “no worries, I got this,” second year Michael Hess reportedly reckons that he only has about an hour left to kill before he “really […]
Kinky Lab Rat Likes Being Abused
SEATTLE—Noting a spike in the serotonin levels of test subject 110021a, nicknamed “Alfred”, scientists at the Bryer National Laboratory concluded this morning that the rodent […]
A Bunch Of Grad Students Just Doing Their Thing
WESTWOOD—A bunch of grad students were spotted in Westwood village early Sunday evening just sort of hanging out, doing their grad student thing. At approximately […]
Elections Cancelled Due To Lack Of Interest
WESTWOOD—Members of student government announced today the cancellation of all elections planned for this week after campaign interest levels hit a record low. According to polls conducted […]