WESTWOOD—Saying “no worries, I got this,” second year Michael Hess reportedly reckons that he only has about an hour left to kill before he “really has to buckle down” and finish his final paper. Noting that “I won’t be playing for much longer” and “I’m kind of on a roll right now so it’d be a bad idea if I stopped,” the Italian major has completed only 2 of a required 10 pages on the subject of Virgil’s role in the Divine Comedy, instead focusing his attention on the puzzle game 2048. “I’ve got pretty much all of the reading done, so as soon as I stop I’ll get on it. Once I beat my high score then I’ll be good.” Completely ignoring the amount of time that it takes to write a decent paper and the fact that a good portion of success in the game relies on random chance, Mr. Hess has confessed to taking immense pleasure in the simple addition-based slider game that would offer nothing in the vein of lifelong satisfaction earning a degree would. “My professor said it’s due at noon tomorrow… but that could be any time, really. What is noon anyways? I mean, it’s like not even a number, even. It’s just an idea.” According to additional reports, completion of page three will be celebrated by a five hour binge session of House of Cards. ❖
