It’s Thirsty Thursday and your bestie’s thirst has been more than sufficiently quenched by Tito’s and lukewarm vending machine Diet Starry. Her face is buried in the foliage of Phi Kappa Psi as she mutters apologies and regrets in between bouts of vomit. People are walking by, confused, concerned, and offended. What could you possibly say to protect your wifey for lifey’s pride and divert the attention of perturbed onlookers?
1. SHE’S FINE!
Keep it simple by letting everyone know that your sister from another mister is a-ok. You’d worry about your ride-or-die if you hadn’t seen the same thing last weekend. And the one before that. Tomorrow she will sustain herself only with a sleeve of Ritz Crackers. She will deplete your Aleve supply and tell you she is never drinking again. She will begin a transfer application. But she will survive.
2. She just needs some water!
There isn’t a problem in the world that hydration couldn’t fix and these snoopers seem to have forgotten this universal truth. However, no good deed goes unpunished. Keep in mind that your soul sister will need you to refill the Brita nine times between the hours of 2 and 5 A.M..
3. Don’t look at her!
Scornful spectators will spare no disapproving looks. Haven’t they ever had to hold their future maid of honor’s hair back while she expels the contents of a ten minute pregame? Help your bestie uphold her dignity by telling spectators to avert their gaze. Variations of this phrase can include “Don’t you have somewhere to be?” and “Take a picture, it’ll last longer!”
4. Nothing
Judgemental passersby don’t deserve any of your energy. Avoid cowering beneath their critical gaze and pay those nosybodies no mind. A dirty look will suffice. Try squinting your eyes at them and slowly shaking your head. No one likes feeling alone. Your for-lifer may also appreciate solidarity. Barfing in tandem is a wonderful option.