‘Gaping Death Pit’ Swallows Dozens Of Graduating Seniors

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All victims have now safely returned to their families.
All victims have now safely returned to their families.

WESTWOOD—Following reports of several missing graduates, a search and rescue operation carried out by the Los Angeles Fire Department this morning revealed a total of 17 individuals trapped inside the sinkhole commonly referred to as the “inverted fountain”. With the help of a crane, drills, and trained rescue canines, the alumni who had been trapped for upwards of 72 hours emerged relatively unscathed, only a few minor injuries being reported. “Thankfully this happened during the dry period in the ‘fountain’s’ geothermal cycle,” noted Geology Professor Maria Alonso. “While the success of this operation goes to show how much our technology has improved since [the Great Tragedy of] 1996, let this also be a reminder to everyone that the inverted fountain is not something to be toyed with.” The incident has raised concerns in the UCLA community regarding the future of what has repeatedly been referred to as a “deathtrap” and a “disaster waiting to happen”. “We should’ve filled this thing years ago,” stated head groundskeeper Adam Mills, who believes that UCLA has not done enough since removing the sinkhole’s resident Sarlacc in 2009. Regardless, the general sentiment among families of the victims remains something more of relief than outrage. Noted one mother: “Really, I’m just glad to have my son home and not wasting away in the belly of some sinkhole. Is that too much to ask?”