Area Vegan Seriously Injured After Hugging Cactus

BEVERLY HILLS, CA — In an emotionally charged attempt to show his appreciation of vegetation for its nutritional benefits, local vegan Edgar Wilkner tightly embraced a large cactus on his front porch early Sunday morning. “I don’t understand why people think eating only plants isn’t nutritious enough for a well balanced diet,” said Wilkner scribbling on a tablet from his bed in the La Brea Hospital intensive care unit while attempting to snort a leaf of spinach. “The spiritual aspect of veganism provides me all the protein that I need. I plan to continue my plant-based, all natural diet as soon as I can chew again.” Reports estimated Wilkner’s recovery time to be between two and three years, in part due to severe malnutrition.