WESTWOOD—Second-year English major and notable hallucinogen user Hayden Bradley ushered in what he has proclaimed to be a new era of enlightenment for humanity following his consumption of 7 grams of psilocybin mushrooms this past weekend. “Bro, listen, you know how John Locke talked about tabula rasa? Man, life is a blank slate, and we are the artists,” said an enthusiastic Bradley in a one-way conversation with a recycling bin. “Like, we perceive a basketball as a basketball because that’s what they put on the slate, man. But, like, that basketball could actually be a frog! Or a beautiful woman!” At press time, UCPD had escorted Bradley out of the Mildred E. Mathias Botanical Garden for attempting to make love to a nonnative tree.
