WESTWOOD—After reading several positive reviews last Thursday, Facebook Mobile downloaded a twenty-two year old man named Tom Sidney. “With Sidney, it’s like I have my own personal assistant. He’s voice-controlled, so all I have to do speak directly into one of two ears and tell him to start a group chat, create an event, or post a 4,000 character status about the upcoming election,” said Facebook of Sidney, the latest man from popular developer Homo sapiens. “His natural language processing technology is incredible–he even tells jokes sometimes. And only half of them are racist.” At press time, Facebook was seen configuring Sidney’s appearance settings.