Angered Deity Smites Man Drinking From Red Starbucks Cup

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Red cup causalities continue to rise.

WESTWOOD—Michael Burke, native resident and longtime frequenter of Starbucks Coffee, was punished with divine fury this past Monday outside a local chain after drinking his usual mocha latte from one the newly redesigned cups. “At first I was confused as to why his face was melting in a flash of brilliant, blinding light,” noted eyewitness Victoria Barr. “I thought maybe his coffee was too hot or something.” Starbucks, in response to this and similar other divine interventions with their customers, has proposed adding the phrase “Contents may be hot and sacrilegious” on the sides of all of their cups. Burke, who at press time was being scraped off of the corner of Weyburn and Broxton, could not be reached for comment.