LAS VEGAS, NV — After the deadliest mass shooting in American history occurred during a concert in Las Vegas, the NRA has reported that all of its good guys with guns were otherwise occupied. “We understand the public is very sad about this truly unforeseeable tragedy,” NRA CEO Wayne LaPierre said during a press conference this morning, “but really, all of our good guys were, like, super busy. I mean, Brad had a colonoscopy the next morning, and Jimmy was out with the boys. You gotta respect that.” LaPierre himself claimed to have been very busy with his beauty sleep, and not able to respond immediately.
Local good guy with a gun, Tracy MacCormick, was also stuck in a prior engagement. “Yeah, I mean, I work near the casino and all, and I have a concealed carry permit, so I guess I should have just run down the street and sniped the guy out the thirty-second floor with my handgun. Pretty stupid of me, but I’d just been dealt pocket aces and the flop was looking good so I had to stay at the casino.” When questioned whether it was possible for him to eliminate a man with a modified automatic rifle in a high rise building with just a pistol, MacCormick said that it was totally possible if he was sober, which he wasn’t last night. “That’s how I lost big on the pocket aces.”
LaPierre says any one of his hundreds of good guys could have saved the day had they been allowed to carry anti tank rifles with them in public. “Look, my thoughts and prayers go out to the victims. But if someone at that concert had an RPG or an anti-materiel rifle, that bastard in the casino would have been stopped immediately. That’s why I’m going to call up all the politicians I bankroll and encourage them to pass a new law that loosens regulations on civilian ownership of anti-armor weaponry. Open carry, baby, that’s how we’re gonna solve the mass shooting crisis. I mean, you’d have to be a real psycho to shoot at a guy with a Barrett M82. Well, unless you had an RPG. Both of which civilians should be allowed to carry.” As the press conference concluded, a moment of silence was held for the victims while stock prices for gun companies skyrocketed.