Rising Actress Cast In Strong, Bland, Cookiecutter Role

A poster for the film. (Credit: Erick Yeh)

LOS ANGELES—Hot off the success of her debut film, actress Alina Benning, 21, announced her upcoming role as the strong, bland, derivative leader of a youth revolution in the film Teenage Apocalypse. “My character is this really strong, dull as hell, lazily written young woman who is born under oppression and grows to lead an uprising of extremely physically well-developed teenagers against an establishment that haphazardly represents one-dimensional old white guys and capitalism, probably,” said the actress. Writer Josiah Baker further clarified that Benning’s character’s personality was specifically designed so as not to offend, intrigue, challenge, or inspire anyone. Before leaving for her first day of physical training, Benning stated that she was “extremely excited to bore another generation of young women with a role model only a two bit robot could relate to.”

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Kushal is a hurricane hitting a Brachiosaurus stuck in rush hour traffic. He is the harmless prank phone call that frightens your mother into moving your entire family eight counties away. He is the smell of freshly baked cookies eerily emanating from an abandoned mental asylum. He is an amazing writer and incredible talent.