Disney Acquires Rights To Nation’s History

Disney US History
An artist’s depiction of the soon-to-be Mickey Mouse war memorial. (Credit: Erick Yeh)

BURBANK, CA—In an unprecedented and game changing move, The Walt Disney Company purchased the rights to the entire history of the United States from the federal government for a record $12.7 billion Monday. A vast catalog stretching from 1776 onward, Disney views this acquisition of the nation’s history as a very lucrative one.

“We saw the nostalgia that overwhelmed the country when we rebooted Star Wars, so we thought: why not market history similarly? Nostalgia sells,” CEO Bob Iger explained.

Iger went into great detail describing plans for an “amusement park like no other” at Gettysburg National Battlefield in Pennsylvania; an “expanded universe” film series that will tell the stories of figures such as President Rutherford B. Hayes’ barber and the chickens of Woodstock; and a fully-fledged sequel to the original two world wars, with the remains of General Patton and President Roosevelt set to reprise their original roles.

Disney’s purchase of the country’s history also opens the door for a whole new slew of merchandise. McDonald’s has already announced that its restaurants will be including an array of miniature government documents and treaties in Happy Meals, from “a little light-up Constitution” to a “McNAFTA.”

While there is widespread excitement surrounding Disney’s plans, some are critical, including George Washington, the original creator of the United States.

“This is not at all how I intended history to go,” lamented Washington. “I created the country that set all of these historical events in motion, and to have some corporate slavers distort my creation… it’s sickening.”

Washington did admit, however, that some of those who succeeded him in the Presidency did not live up to the greatness of his original term, and that his parting from United States history may be for the best.

The nation’s history itself could not be reached for comment, as it was busy filming a commercial for Tropicana orange juice.

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Area Man. Freelance fraternity president. Aspiring father of two. Probable future Nobel laureate. Occasionally collude with Russia.