A$AP Rocky Changes Name To “Whenever’s Most Convenient” Rocky
LOS ANGELES — At 8:00 AM Monday morning, prolific Harlem rapper A$AP Rocky called a press conference to announce his new stage name: Whenever’s Most Convenient […]
news in brief
Saint Valentine Still Not Sure How He Got Caught Up In This Whole Thing
HEAVEN — Although he was venerated by the Church for his contributions to chivalry and courtly love, Saint Valentine is not really sure what he […]
African Warlord Offers 20% Discount on Water
UGANDA — Charles Masane, leader of the Righteous Liberation Army announced in a press release this morning that water will be discounted 20% this weekend […]
Tragedy Strikes at Local Spelling Bee. Tragedy. T-R-A-G-E-D-Y. Tragedy.
LOS ANGELES — The 6th Annual Rosen Spelling Bee competition was struck with tragedy Saturday evening as the burning of electrical wires sparked off a […]
Parkour Club Submits Request To Move Buildings Closer Together
WESTWOOD—Noting the present difficulty in performing cross-building vaults, badass flips, roof-to-roof diving rolls and miscellaneous leaps, UCLA’s parkour club submitted a petition today demanding that […]
FDA Increases Serving Size Of Jäger For Non-Pussies
WASHINGTON DC—In a press conference earlier today, a spokesperson for the Food and Drug Administration announced the department’s decision to increase the recommended serving size […]
God Sends Only Son To Defuse Situation On Bruinwalk
WESTWOOD—After being alerted to an alarming spell of hate speech taking place outside of Kerckhoff hall today, Our Lord God, Divine Creator of the Universe […]