4 Students Found Dead In Deep Recesses of Library Stacks
WESTWOOD—In what began as a potential footnote on an extra credit paper for the course HIST151P, History of Scottish Paedophilia, 3rd year Communications major Lou […]
Parkour Club Submits Request To Move Buildings Closer Together
WESTWOOD—Noting the present difficulty in performing cross-building vaults, badass flips, roof-to-roof diving rolls and miscellaneous leaps, UCLA’s parkour club submitted a petition today demanding that […]
Research Indicates That Cute Girl From Class Will Notice You, Eventually
WESTWOOD—Researchers from the Relationship Institute at UCLA have recently discovered empirical proof that that cute girl from class will notice you, eventually. “It’s amazing. What […]
Man Probably Going To Gym Tomorrow
WESTWOOD, CA—Area man Robert Lophis, an average student with an average body, was recently heard saying that he would go to the gym tomorrow. Those […]
Humility 1A Has 2% Passing Rate; Professor Calls It ‘The Point’
WESTWOOD—For the past three years, students have been walking out of a classroom in Bunche Hall in stunned silence, feeling degraded, vulnerable, and humiliated. The […]
Banana-Smuggling Cartel Busted At B-Plate
WESTWOOD—In a development that has left the UCLA community speechless, a banana-smuggling cartel was found early Sunday evening to be operating out of UCLA’s newest […]
Local School Shuns Seesaw For Fat-Shaming
BRENTWOOD—In an unfortunate incident that drew the attention of parents and plump kids across the country, Heatherwood Elementary School’s Leslie Mitchell found himself unable to […]
Sea Creatures Invade Land; Land Creatures Encouraged To Take Flight
EARTH—In light of the sudden mass migration of vast amounts of sea life onto the shores of the world, scientists across the globe issued statements […]
Freshman Not Yet BFFs With Roommate
WESTWOOD—Julia Lin, a UCLA freshman living in a double in Hedrick Hall, admitted today that she had not yet managed to become best friends with […]
Professor Has Sex With Student In Exchange For Positive BruinWalk Review
WESTWOOD—Trying to improve his abysmally low rating on the popular instructor evaluation site bruinwalk.com Monday, UCLA Statistics professor Phil Tennyson had sexual intercourse with one […]