Sleeping Classmate’s Nose Almost Touches Chest
WESTWOOD—Fourth-year Economics major Judy Caplin reported that her sleeping classmate’s nose had almost touched his chest during a philosophy lecture early Tuesday morning. “He was […]
Putrid Corpse Of Jackie Robinson Exhumed For Display On Campus Tours
WESTWOOD—Posing genially next to the putrid corpse of the American hero, Gene Block announced today that the earthly remains of the legendary UCLA Alumnus, Jackie […]
Student Hustles Cool Thousand From De Neve Pool Table
WESTWOOD—Lighting up a cigarette and chalking off the tip of his cue with a flourish, self-described “alternative student” Justin Hernandez hustled a cool thousand at […]
Prospective Student Waits For Dad To Stop Eye-Banging Cheerleaders At Bruin Transfer Day
WESTWOOD–Visiting from out of state and touring the campus on Bruin Transfer Day, prospective student John McDermot reportedly spent much of his time at UCLA […]
Despondent Bruin Republicans Plan Inflammatory Events Just To Feel Something, Anything
WESTWOOD—Bitter and desensitized by the current state of the GOP, a group of disillusioned Bruin Republicans gathered in Haines today where they pitched a series […]
Report: Area Man Has Time To Get Sick
LOS ANGELES—After delaying the onset of a cold for the past month, area man Jeff Martin announced that he is now ready to fight the […]
‘Sick Kickflips’ Now Allowed In No-Skateboard Zones: UCLA Chancellor
WESTWOOD—UCLA Chancellor Gene Block approved a change to campus policy Friday that allows “sick kickflips” in designated “walk your wheels” zones. “Since the day our […]
Song Perfectly Captures How Local Teen Is Feeling
LOS ANGELES—Local high school student Danette Evans discovered a song on the radio that perfectly embodied her innermost feelings, she reported Monday. “So apparently, there’s […]
Op-Ed: An Open Letter To Honda and BMW: Sedan/SUV Crossovers Do Not Belong On Our Roads
Alright Honda and BMW; you win. You have annihilated me with your demonic morphage of Sedan and SUV that I have seen clobbering gracelessly down […]
Southern Californian White Male Doesn’t Even Surf
DALLAS, TX— At North Dallas High School, new student Todd Anderson from Huntington Beach, CA has stirred up a lot of conversation following his first […]