Op-Ed: We Can’t Subsidize People Who Are Irresponsible Enough To Get Cancer
Dear American People, I have received many angry letters, body parts, and obscene photographs in the mail recently, and I find that very disappointing. The […]
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Man Unaware Spooky Skeleton Inside Him
RICHMOND, VA—According to his friends, local man Steve Crandall is currently unaware there is a spooky skeleton not-so-deep inside of him. “Steve made a joke […]
Report: Health-Conscious Sorority Girl Later Seen Vomiting Smirnoff In Fraternity Bathroom
WESTWOOD–Health-conscious sorority member Sabrina Templin was reportedly seen at 2 A.M. Saturday morning, curled up onto the feces-stained tile of a fraternity bathroom floor, violently […]
Hookah Bar Definitely A Front
WESTWOOD–UCLA students confirmed this past week that local hookah bar Habubu Cafe is most definitely a front for an ambiguous black-market industry. “It’s like, never […]
Report: Area Man Finally Has Enough Stamps For Free 4-Inch Sub
FRESNO–In a feat of perseverance, local accountant Chad Davis has finally secured enough stamps on his rewards card to obtain a free 4-inch submarine sandwich […]
Heartwarming: President Trump Has Donated His Entire Salary To Building A Big New Bomb That Goes “BOOM!”
Sometimes, beneath a rough exterior lies a heart of gold. United States President Donald J. Trump announced that he has donated his $400,000 salary to […]
Deaf Man Removes Cochlear Implants After Hearing Wife For The First Time
WESTWOOD–Three hours after having a cochlear device surgically implanted, previously deaf man Brandon Holtsmann has decided to remove the implants in order to preserve his […]
Report: You On Fastest Route Possible
SAN FERNANDO VALLEY–According to Google Maps, you are on the fastest route possible despite usual traffic. “We were driving from Westwood to Burbank, and naturally, […]
Area Man Returning from Bad Part of Town Comforted by Sight of Dog Boutique
WESTWOOD — Area man Harold Tuxton exhaled a sigh of relief and calmly unlocked his car doors on Tuesday when he caught sight of “Posh […]
Point: Elderly People Shouldn’t Have To Remove Shoes At TSA Checkpoints/Counterpoint: Elderly People Are The Most Dangerous Because They Have Nothing To Fuckin’ Lose
Point: Elderly People Shouldn’t Have To Remove Shoes At TSA Checkpoints by Bob Simmons Elderly people have served our society, and the aviation industry should […]