Report: You On Fastest Route Possible
SAN FERNANDO VALLEY–According to Google Maps, you are on the fastest route possible despite usual traffic. “We were driving from Westwood to Burbank, and naturally, […]
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Area Man Returning from Bad Part of Town Comforted by Sight of Dog Boutique
WESTWOOD — Area man Harold Tuxton exhaled a sigh of relief and calmly unlocked his car doors on Tuesday when he caught sight of “Posh […]
Point: Elderly People Shouldn’t Have To Remove Shoes At TSA Checkpoints/Counterpoint: Elderly People Are The Most Dangerous Because They Have Nothing To Fuckin’ Lose
Point: Elderly People Shouldn’t Have To Remove Shoes At TSA Checkpoints by Bob Simmons Elderly people have served our society, and the aviation industry should […]
High School Friend’s Baby Actually Kind Of Ugly
WESTWOOD–While scrolling through Facebook last Wednesday, fourth-year psychobiology student Sarah Davis noted that her friend from high school’s baby was actually kind of ugly. “I’m […]
Couple Reschedules Fight
WESTWOOD–Local couple Anthony Mullen and Sarah Brown were forced to reschedule their fight, which was set for Tuesday at 8:00 p.m., to a later date […]
Op-Ed: Bruins United Probably Still Going To Win Everything
Well, uh, there was an incident. I mean, it was a thing that happened. With Bruins United. Maybe. It’s really hard to say if there […]
Local Sixth Grader Down To Last Two Pieces of Halloween Candy
ORLANDO, FL—After a record breaking five months and four days, local sixth grader Aiden Kelly has finally come down to his last two pieces of […]
Report: This D&D Campaign Is Off to a Wild Start
WESTWOOD—Gathered around a pile of spellbooks and props, fourth year Melanie Rodriguez eagerly rolled the dice on a new Dungeons and Dragons campaign. “God, we […]
Area Hallucinogen User Ushers In New Era Of Enlightenment
WESTWOOD—Second-year English major and notable hallucinogen user Hayden Bradley ushered in what he has proclaimed to be a new era of enlightenment for humanity following […]
USAC Resolves Israeli-Palestinian Conflict
WESTWOOD—Members of the Undergraduate Students Associated Council (USAC) — the country’s foremost middle-eastern foreign policy experts — announced earlier today that they had successfully negotiated […]