New Student Catches Cold, Not Sure What They Did To Deserve It
WESTWOOD — Complaining about a constant runny nose and high body temperature, freshman Jenny Clark is in complete disbelief about the reasons for the sickness […]
Campus
TFT Tests Positive For James Franco
WESTWOOD — A test issued at random last Tuesday by the Centers for Celebrity Disease Control came up positive on multiple counts of Celebrity, indicating […]
Students Vow To Start Procrastinating Earlier In Quarter
WESTWOOD – After an academically disappointing quarter, a group of second-year UCLA students has resolved to start procrastinating earlier next quarter. “Normally I don’t feel guilty […]
6 AM Great Time To Leaf-Blow Outside Dorms
WESTWOOD – Recent reports from UCLA groundskeepers indicate that 6AM is the ideal time to leaf-blow the area outside of the dorms. “It’s so quiet, […]
First-Year Re-evaluates Entire Life After Receiving B+
LOS ANGELES— Upon receiving his fall grades, first year John Perff was horrified to realize that he had received a B+ in his introductory Backpack […]
Benevolent Overlord Gene D. Block Graciously Allows Students His Precious Time
WESTWOOD – Chancellor Gene D. Block, Benevolent Overlord of UCLA, has graciously offered one hour of His precious time to students on Monday, May 18. […]
Bruins United Platform Calls For Lower Fees, Better Resources, More ‘Moments That Take Your Breath Away’
WESTWOOD—Announcing a new, revamped platform for USAC Elections this week, Bruins United spokesman Jeff Brock emphasized the school’s need for “more moments that will take […]
USAC Profit Scandals Exposed By Daily Bruin For Profit
WESTWOOD—Documents leaked Tuesday have revealed that the Daily Bruin may be profiting off of scandals involving the illegal sale of drugs and alcohol to finance […]
South Campus Runs Military Training Exercises Near North Campus Border
WESTWOOD—Declaring that South Campus is the only true campus, members of the South Campus Confederation ran military training exercises near the North Campus border on […]
Chancellor Officially Announces Campus Theme As ‘Bricks’
WESTWOOD—Drawing intrigue on the part of staff and students alike, Chancellor Gene Block officially announced UCLA’s new theme for the 2015-2016 school year as ‘Bricks’. […]