Mole Hair Plucked Last Week Returns, Brings Friends
WESTWOOD — Following last week’s plucking, local mole hair Brianna Guan McSilgé-Tube pickaxed her way up layers of flesh and jabbed her head through her […]
Campus
Public Affairs Professor’s Mistresses Make Affairs Public
WESTWOOD — Last week, adjunct Public Affairs professor Nathan Bradley was surprised mid-lecture when his mistresses stormed into the hall and publicly announced his many […]
Stray Cat Wins Heart of Community, Stray Human Does Not
WESTWOOD — A stray cat discovered on Landfair Avenue has won over the community with its scrappy feline charms, while at the same time local […]
Op-Ed: If I Wear Jeans, You Must Call Me Jeans Block
To the Campus Community: On Monday morning, I substituted my normal chancellorial slacks for a pair of comfortable, stylish, denim jeans. Yet for the entire […]
Senior Scholar Dies
WESTWOOD — 84-year-old second-year political science major Ingrid Miller, known by her fellow political science students as a recurring “senior scholar,” died midway through an […]
Target Pushes Further Into Ralphs’ Territory, War Imminent
WESTWOOD — With the annexation of the shared stairwell, Target has pushed further into Ralphs’ territory, which experts believe will surely result in a formal […]
Student Swamped With Work Watches Three Episodes of “Friends”
WESTWOOD — Craig Hillsdale, a fourth-year political science student, is enrolled in four classes that are all holding final exams in the following three days. […]
SCAND 50 Professor Starting To Get Suspicious
WESTWOOD — UCLA professor Teresa Andersen is reportedly getting suspicious about the consistent school-wide enthusiasm for her course, Scandinavian 50. “Well, yeah, I do think it’s […]
Student Wishes More Than Anything He Did Provolone Instead Of Mozzarella
WESTWOOD — Just a few minutes after ordering Mozzarella on his gourmet sandwich from The Study, first-year Hill resident Ben Larson realized his blunder. […]
Student Shocked to Find Dumbass at #1 Public University
WESTWOOD — Jaded first-year David Lewis recently concluded that his dream college, which touts itself as the hub of progressive minds and academic advancement, […]