Teen Spends Hours Trying On Different Personalities
PORTLAND, OR—Posing in front of her bedroom mirror, 15-year-old Kaitlyn Howard tried on 72 different personalities in the span of five hours. “I like to […]
News in Briefs
Freshman Floor Plays Another Fucking Game of Cards Against Humanity
HEDRICK SUMMIT—Starved for human contact, residents of the ninth floor of Hedrick Summit played their fifth game of Cards Against Humanity in three days. “I […]
Area Man Delays Job Search To Start Up Sad Little Webseries
LOS ANGELES–Twenty-three year old Sam Hunts announced via Facebook post Saturday afternoon that he plans to start up a pathetic web series. “Hey everyone, I […]
Woman Eating Alone Reads Sriracha Label Twenty-three Times
WESTWOOD—Noting her intense gaze and furrowed brow, sources confirmed that UCLA student Sophia Wu read her Sriracha bottle’s label a total of 23 times while […]
Rising Actress Cast In Strong, Bland, Cookiecutter Role
LOS ANGELES—Hot off the success of her debut film, actress Alina Benning, 21, announced her upcoming role as the strong, bland, derivative leader of a […]
Angered Deity Smites Man Drinking From Red Starbucks Cup
WESTWOOD — Michael Burke, native resident and longtime frequenter of Starbucks Coffee, was punished with divine fury this past Monday outside a local chain after […]
Undocumented Immigrants Taking All Of Nation’s Resources, Says Study Conducted By Racist Uncle
FREMONT, CA — For the fourth consecutive year in a row, self-proclaimed scientist and uncle to five Joey Burke announced at a Thanksgiving dinner turned […]
President Obama Gives Congress Two-Star Yelp Review
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Citing Congress’s inability to pass bipartisan legislation, President Barack Obama wrote an unfavorable review of the governing body on Yelp Saturday, giving […]