WESTWOOD — After months of construction, the John Wooden Center has unveiled its new cardio area, which features giant hamster wheels in place of the old treadmills and StairMasters. “We found that our students are lazy and unmotivated, so we turned to the neurotic hamster grindset for inspiration,” reported Roseph Dent, the gym’s Facilities Manager and main proponent of implementing a human-sized tube maze, pellet dispensers filled with Adderall, and bushels of straw in the bathrooms. “This is why we also painted over the John Wooden Pyramid of Success with a giant cheese wedge.” At press time, the construction team was replacing all the water fountains with stainless steel hamster nozzles.