TWITTER.COM — Theological scholars this past week discovered fully intact prophetic scripture in the annals of a Twitter account with the handle “Bitch Problems.” “You need to fall in love with the wrong person. You need to fight, cry, sweat, bleed & fail. You need to have bad relationships and bad breakups. You need all of that so when the right person comes along you sigh in relief and realize how it’s supposed to feel,” read a tweet from November 2017, which may be from the same prophet who is repeatedly quoted on the account strongly advising their disciples to cut out toxic people from their lives. “Skipping a party to watch Netflix? Totally fine. Ditching class to do a face mask? Also fine. Cancelling dinner plans to eat a pint of ice cream? Absolutely fine. Never apologize for prioritizing self-care.” The aforementioned scholars are now tirelessly working to determine who is behind the “Bitch Problems” account, as they believe only the Second Coming of Jesus Christ himself could have preserved these prophetic commandments.