University Of California Divests From Self

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UC leaders announce their decision to divest from the University of California (Source: Associated Press)
UC leaders have long debated over whether the University of California should continue to receive their funding. (Source: Associated Press)

OAKLAND—Declaring that they can no longer support an institution invested in companies that facilitate civil rights abuses and climate change among other issues, the UC board of regents announced plans today to pull funding from the University of California system.

Funding from a wide array of sources, including corporate holdings in the coal industry as well as holdings in companies such as Caterpillar and Hewlett-Packard will be recalled in favor of what the board has described as “much more sound investments”.

“We can no longer, in our good conscience, support an academic institution that profits from the use of fossil fuels and the senseless demolition of Palestinian homes,” said president Napolitano in a press release this morning. “What’s more, University of California has proven time and time again to be a terrible investment, both morally and financially speaking: classrooms are overcrowded, job rates are low, leading to minimal returns. It is for these reasons and more that we’ve decided to divest from the University of California entirely.”

According to sources, much of the system’s 90-billion dollar endowment will be diverted towards “more useful” federal projects, including road repair and levee maintenance. A large portion of the 10 billion dollars currently invested in energy industry holdings will now be spent on various prison facilities, revenues from which the Regents plan to reinvest in more prisons.

“Aramark is where it’s at,” continued Napolitano. “You’ve got a relatively cheap overhead, great niche markets. Plus people don’t get shot at or die of black lung as a result of your business practices.”

President Napolitano also named robotic forklift company “RoboLift” among one of the Regent’s next targets.

As for the decision itself, while it comes as a surprise for most, for others it was not so unexpected. A number of experts have pointed to the steady defunding of public education over the years as a sign of the state’s lack of faith in what is considered by many to be a dying industry.

“Overcrowded classrooms, high tuition and underpaid teaching staff are only the latest problems in what amounts to a long history of mismanagement,” noted economist Alan Streetwise. “With patrons increasingly likely to take out massive loans to pay for services, it’s really shocking that they didn’t do away with the University of California years ago.”

It remains unclear whether the troubled academic system will continue or be forced to declare bankruptcy in the coming weeks. Though several universities have considered looking to other investors, with the system’s blemished reputation, chances are reportedly slim.

The board of regents concluded their statement by saying “whoever’s in charge of this thing should feel ashamed of themselves.”❖