WESTWOOD — Students at UCLA expressed shock when they learned earlier today that contrary to what they had believed, UCLA is, in fact, located in the United States, and not Israel.
“I mean, my shirt says ‘This Is What A Zionist Looks Like,’ so I figured that this is what Israel looks like,” said first-year political science student and USAC intern Ben Collins — who sources report is not actually Jewish nor of Middle Eastern descent — gesturing toward Royce Hall and Powell Library. “But you have to admit, Chancellor Block does look kind of look like Benjamin Netanyahu. You can’t blame me for assuming UCLA is in Israel — anyone would make that mistake.”
The Daily Bruin was quick to comment on the shocking revelation.
“We get so many submissions about the Arab-Israeli conflict every week that we just assumed UCLA is in Israel. Like, we don’t get many submissions about California state politics, so we started to think we were being deceived by the regents regarding the location of our school,” said Daily Bruin Editorial Board member Shannon Cassidy, who was still reeling from the shocking news. “We figured the Knesset was right next to Fat Sal’s over on Gayley. To learn that we were so wrong about the geographic location of our school is embarrassing — but, we the optimists will continue to try and resolve this geopolitical conflict.”
At press time, the UCLA student body was collectively shaking their heads as their shock turned into disillusionment, while a select few resilient individuals began looking for a new polarizing geopolitical issue to stir the pot with.