WESTWOOD— UCLA has diverted funds from Counseling and Psychological Services to launch a new data-driven affirmations menu at B-Plate. “When our 2019 collab with Beyonce didn’t end depression, we decided it was time for a new approach,” said Chancellor Gene Block, who used half of CAPS’ 2022-23 budget to buy Jersey Mike’s for the four-person subcommittee brainstorming the affirmations. “Instead of an unsanitary self-serve situation where students continue their sedentary lives by sitting down at a table, they can stand in line for an hour and order the ‘Global warming will not kill me and my future children!’ sustainable vegan wheatballs. Yum!” At press time, the subcommittee was spending the rest of the CAPS budget workshopping the “Greek life didn’t reject me, I rejected them!” virgin celery colada.
