Target Pushes Further Into Ralphs’ Territory, War Imminent

Graphic by Isaiah Little

WESTWOOD — With the annexation of the shared stairwell, Target has pushed further into Ralphs’ territory, which experts believe will surely result in a formal declaration of war from Ralphs. “Target has been acting in retaliation to Ralphs’ repeated hostile actions,” said Dr. Elizabeth Kerr, political scientist and former analyst during the infamous Chick-fil-A/KFC conflict that shook Westwood back in 2016 and ended with total Chick-fil-A control of the region. “You have to understand that Target is primarily a subterranean retail store, so when stores like Ralphs attempt to bully them into submission, they’ll react violently and lash out. The Ralphonians may have the larger military force and be more technologically advanced, but they can’t match the brutality of Target. The Targetians tend to mark themselves with red paint to cover any visible blood.” At press time, despite their longtime rivalry, Trader Joe’s and Whole Foods have agreed to a diplomatic alliance in light of the heightened tensions.

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RIP Griffin Stout (1996-2023) Failed Comedy Writer and Pet Owner. RIP Bark Ruffalo (2007-2007)