Study: The Sea Is An Unforgiving Mistress

The sea in all of her tempestuous glory.

SAN DIEGO, CA—Recent studies compiled by various mateys and seadogs have unanimously concluded that, despite the proposals made by hapless landlubbers, the sea is a harsh and unforgiving mistress. “If ye don’t love the sea, she don’t love ye back. And even if ye do love the sea, she’ll throw ye off the poop deck faster than ye can say avast,” skipper and legendary bluejacket Rumsfeld Havershack said from the deck of his freighter Caroline. “I’ve known old hands the sea swallowed on account of a short lapse of respect.”

First mate Shivers O’Clain concurs heartily. “Aye, she be a dangerous temptress. One minute she’ll lull ye in with a smooth current, next thing ye know, it’s choppy froth like my old lady’s egg batter, and before ye can scream ahoy, a storm’s a brewin’ and dragging ye down to Davy Jones’s locker.” While leading scientists posit that modern naval transportation is among the safest forms of transit, O’Clain dismisses such assertions. “If anyone can spin a half-staffed yarn, it’s a landlubber.”

Sailors aboard the luxury yacht Brillig, currently passing by the Caroline, are in firm agreement. “The old man Clancy says for every seventy thousand cruises that go well, at least one suffers damage or falls afoul of some nasty waters,” veteran seadog and tango instructor Nathan Yamato said while assisting a seasick landlubber to the latrine. “Those old bluejackets on freighters think they’re the only ones who fight the cruel tide, but imagine doing that when ye have all these sandcrabs to clean up after.” According to the SeaSalt Scientific Ranking System, sandcrabs are classified as “scallywaggish”, possibly due to their lack of sea legs.

Cap’n Belafonte Bacchanal of the Brillig noted something even more disturbing. “The sea, she never forgets. Ye piss off the starboard deck and she’ll summon a draught so fierce it’ll freeze yer piss from the inside out. That’s why I keep myself warm at all times,” he said, taking a hefty swig of rum from his hip flask. According to a calibrated sailor’s index, rum is ideal for sea voyages, ranking at an astronomical five yo-ho-ho’s per bottle. This is a finding Bacchanal agrees with. “Rum’s the stuff to keep ye sharp. Ye can’t be too careful with a saucy young lass like the sea.” Some hours later, reporters ascertained that the Brillig had abruptly turned around and rammed into the Caroline. While there were no casualties, Cap’n Bacchanal was firmly of the opinion that the sea “is up to her old tricks” again.

About Kushal Chatterjee 60 Articles
Kushal is a hurricane hitting a Brachiosaurus stuck in rush hour traffic. He is the harmless prank phone call that frightens your mother into moving your entire family eight counties away. He is the smell of freshly baked cookies eerily emanating from an abandoned mental asylum. He is an amazing writer and incredible talent.