Study: Everyone At Gym Definitely Staring At You

Everyone is staring at you. Everyone.
Everyone is staring at you. Everyone.

LOS ANGELES — A newly released study by the UC Center For Sustainable Exercise (UCCSE) confirmed the long-held belief that everyone at the gym is staring at you while you work out.

“We had long postulated that despite what most people had conventionally thought, nobody is actually paying attention to you at the gym,” said Austin Newhart, the director of the UCCSE. “Man oh man were we wrong. We found that approximately everyone at the gym is definitely staring at you; in fact, they’re most likely ridiculing you.”

The study’s conclusions were deduced from a decade-long study of people’s behavior at various gyms across the state of California.

Newhart pointed to a graph showing the relationship between a person’s level of fitness and the amount of time everyone at the gym spends staring at them. “We found that the more inexperienced someone is at exercising, the more time other people take out of their own workouts to stare at them and pass judgment,” said Newhart, chuckling as he highlighted a sharp upward trend for individuals who were “fat as fuck.”

“We found that people will even cease their workout altogether if they see someone with particularly shitty form — gym patrons who can’t squat properly typically draw the largest crowds,” Newhart said as he unsolicitedly rolled up his sleeves and began to flex. “There was a particular instance where one of our test subjects couldn’t bench press the bar without any added weight, and everyone in the gym dropped what they were doing and stared in unison at the guy.”

The researchers have yet to determine, however, if and how the timid gym-goers evolve into smug bodybuilders.

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