EARTH—In light of the sudden mass migration of vast amounts of sea life onto the shores of the world, scientists across the globe issued statements this morning urging all living humans to prepare for their inevitable lives above ground.
As competition for living spaces, mates, and resources steadily grows between man and sea creature, biologists suggested that the only remaining option is for humanity to take to the air, as the sea will likely be overrun by current creatures of the sky–many of whom already seem to possess the capability of floating on it.
“With the exponential rise in both temperature and sea level, the conversion of sea life into land life has be anticipated for quite some time now,” said Anne Parse, an award-winning researcher on inter-species gentrification. “Much like the drifting of the magnetic poles or the regular, unexplained disappearance of sun every night, the rotation of the species is simply another natural phenomenon that sadly not enough people are aware of.”
Among a growing list of tasks to prepare for the shift, ecologists suggested acclimating to higher elevations before taking flight as well as evolving the proper appendages to do so.
“For those who can afford it, building a residence in trees or on high sea cliffs would be an intelligent next step,” said professor T.H. Mertesacker of the National Ecology Institute. “Beyond this, learning to fly would be ideal. Though many humans lack the hollowed bones and feathers necessary for this endeavor, surely that will come with time.”
As it stands, less than 1% of humanity is currently airborne.
On the other side of the coin, however, a number of sea creatures, including sea lions and frogs, have already begun staking their claims to permanent land environments, taking up residency on beaches, in mud flats, and in renovated single family homes in low income areas across the nation–a development evolutionists are calling “long overdue.”
“Soon we will be waving goodbye to our homo sapien friends who have taken to the air and saying hello to our new neighbors: sea lions. We will be spotting squids shopping in our local markets. Our children will be sharing the classroom with trout and starfishes.”
Parse says that rather than fear it, humanity should rejoice in its chance to explore a new way of living.
“Much like our ancestors the Mermen and the Birdmen who came before, so too must we learn to live within our means,” she continued, “Survival of the species is important, and if becoming a creature with leathery skin and elongated toes for perching in a jungle canopy is what it takes to carry on the human legacy, then I’m all for it.”❖
