WESTWOOD – Rumors surrounding the Royce Hall light show have been working their way up and down Bruinwalk, and some of them are not in I Heart UCLA week’s favor. Recently, UCLA faculty and students have been discussing the possibility that the Friday night’s light show would be cancelled due to possible health concerns.
The new light show is set to contain flashing red and blue lights a la “Denno Senshi Porygon”, the Pokemon episode famously banned for inducing seizures among over 600 Japanese children. While the light show’s contents are meant to be a surprise, students studying in Powell have glimpsed the show’s test runs on the face of Royce Hall. Nurses at Ronald Reagan Medical Center have confirmed that at least two recent hospitalizations are directly related to these unsolicited previews.
“It could be even more dangerous than the banned Pokemon episode,” stated Noema Flores, a nurse at the UCLA-affiliated hospital. “I’ve seen the episode myself, and let me tell you, that was some serious shit. The lights were all like WOO WOO WOO WOO WAH WAH WAH BZZZ and really intense. I almost had a seizure.”
Flores, along with several other medical officials, was invited to view the show in advance to ensure it would not be harmful to the average student. No other officials were available for comment, however, as they all blacked out upon watching Royce Hall change colors in a heretic fashion.
University officials held an open panel discussion in response to concerns voiced by students studying in Powell. Student suggestions to curb negative responses included free marijuana and LSD at the entrance to the viewing area in addition to snacks. While university officials are required to take all student responses seriously, Geoffrey Gordon, head of the panel, was heard accidentally whispering into his microphone, “Are these kids fucking dumb?”
“I mean seriously, what are you guys, Trojans?” Gordon said in an exclusive Westwood Enabler interview. “There’s no way those kids could have been serious. LSD and pot? We would never share that with the kids. They’re too young to appreciate it.” Nurse Flores agreed.
“Not only would drugs enhance the negative effects of the light show, they’re also illegal and probably bad for the kids. I don’t know. I’m not a doctor,” Flores shrugged. “Listen, all I can say is this: the light show is bad, like real bad. I recommend that everyone who is considering attending the show watches that Pokemon episode first. If they survive, then they can go to the show.”
The light show will occur twice, once at 9:00 PM and once at 11:30 PM between Powell Library and Royce Hall. ❖
