Op-Ed: Great, What Am I Supposed To Do With All This Leftover Rohypnol?

As a member of SAE, I’m pretty disappointed with the recent suspension of fraternity parties, but I’m even more disappointed that my large supply of Rohypnol may go to waste. How else am I supposed to get my dick wet? It’s as if the university is suggesting that a sober and coherent woman would want to have sexual relations with me.

Normally, I’m pretty stoked about having a large cache of drugs, but the guys and I don’t really want to take it because I guess it makes you black out for 8 to 12 hours. I get that, which is why I’m generally pretty discreet when slipping it in a girl’s drink, because it’s way easier to fuck a girl when she’s blacked than to let her make a conscious decision about her own body.

Goddammit, this stash was my key to getting laid for at least the next two months. I hope that the UCLA administration is aware that my semen is on their hands: it’s entirely their fault that me and the guys can’t get easy pussy this weekend.