Newly Committed Class Contains 19,000 Students With Bullshit Club Cabinet Positions

A recent poll found that 89% of UCLA admits held the position of “Executive Co-Warlock Chair” in at least one of their listed high school organizations.

WESTWOOD—Proudly stating that the new UCLA freshman class will be full of young, ambitious students, the admissions office has announced that 4,000 of the 5,000 committed students have purely-nominal club cabinet positions at their high schools. “This year, we were looking for young, talented students. At the same time, it’s hard to tell how talented people are if we’ve never met or seen them before, so we were really just settled for people whose resumes were filled with fluff and nonsense,” said Lisa DeSoto, head of admissions. “Give me your Assistant Director of Publicity for the Indian Culture Club. Give me the Secretary of the club that has ten members in it. Hand the Co-Vice-President of Key Club, whatever the hell that is,  a full-ride scholarship. I’m intrigued by that fraud who’s trying desperately to look well-rounded, so give him a Regents.” DeSoto added that this methodology was not used at all UC schools, as Berkeley preferred to admit based on how much money the students spent on SAT prep, and Santa Cruz preferred a “pull-a-name-out-of-a-hat” policy.