WESTWOOD — After studying its surface, scientists have recently discovered a new strain of Hepatitis on the surface of the discarded cream-colored couch outside Beta Theta Pi this past week. “It appears that all the Coor’s Lite and semen stains on the upholstery provided the perfect environment for cross-colonization,” explained lead scientist William Graham. “We’re not sure how contagious this strain of Hepatitis is just yet,” he continued “but it certainly doesn’t compare to the aggressive new form of syphilis we found in the Theta Xi swimming pool.” After analysis, the Center for Disease Control and Prevention attempted to remove the couch from the sidewalk but was stopped by the Westwood Neighborhood Council who stated that garbage on the street is just “part of the charm.”
