Nation Yearning For Simpler Nixon Scandals

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Sessions has made the country realize how good they had it under Nixon.

WASHINGTON–In the wake of revelations that United States Attorney General Jeff Sessions lied under oath during his Senate confirmation hearing regarding his 2016 meetings with the Russian ambassador, Americans have found themselves yearning for the simpler, less morally troublesome scandals of the Nixon administration.

“Sure, Ol’ Tricky Dicky had his scandals, but they were much more wholesome than treason,” said Virginia carpenter Lenny Miller. “He had his friends sneak into a hotel and look at some documents they weren’t supposed to, that was just boys being boys and partaking in a little good old late-night mischief. Just harmless shenanigans! Oh, those were the days… I miss the good crooks.”

Many also praised how noble President Nixon was compared to the current administration.

“Oh, he lied and destroyed tapes, but at the end of the day he had the good grace to admit his mistakes and resign,” said retired schoolteacher Edna Collins. “Now that was a real gentleman; you just don’t find respectable criminals like that in the White House anymore.”

While much of the country reminisced on the Nixon era, President Trump was quick to set the record straight.

“I had total confidence in Jeff Sessions, but more so I have total confidence in myself. Believe me, I am much smarter than him, I have the best scandals, nobody has better scandals than me,” said the President over the loud grinding of Secretary of State Rex Tillerson shredding documents in the background. “My disapproval ratings are far higher than his, have you seen the charts? Very big lines, very big, very steep, very good, the lines are rising bigly.”

At press time, the White House press corps was similarly wistful for the time when they were allowed to report on such scandals.