Kid Finally Learns Mom’s Name Not ‘Mom’

Douglas Stokes reported feeling betrayed by the universe as a whole.

LOS ANGELES—Sources report that five-year-old Douglas Stokes has finally learned that his mom’s name is not actually ‘mom.’ “We’re all so proud of our big boy,” said Douglas’ father, Jim. “Douggy appears to have taken it to heart, but it’s all part of the extra-ordinary journey I like to call life.” At 4 PM PST, Douglas was woken up from his nap to respond to questions. “How do I feel? I don’t know—betrayed, lost, hungry. Where’s my juice, Anita?” said Douglas, glaring at his mother seated next to him on the couch. At press time, Douglas was hit by the realization that even though he knew his dog’s name, he couldn’t be sure the dog would ever know his.