Get the fuck away from me. I’m a cat. A black cat. Humans aren’t supposed to get near us, let alone fucking touch us. I stumbled across this big ass building one day and got fed every day, so I stayed. I stayed for the fucking food.
But I never fucking agreed to this touchy-feely bullshit.
I mean, I get it. When there’s a household animal on a college campus, kids go fucking nuts. It’s like “Woah, look at this cat that should be in a nice home with a nice family! What is it doing on campus?! Woah!! Let’s Snapchat it with the fucking flash on!” Ugh. Can y’all just flock to the old dude with the huskies? I spend my days grooming this glistening fur and the last thing I need are grimy STD-riddled college fingers poking and prodding this beauty.
Also, remember when that tree fell and everyone thought I died? Yeah, all I got was a half-assed post on Yik Yak. What the fuck. Don’t Instagram me if you don’t even give a fuck about my death. I’ll use my cat agility to scratch your eyelids off. I’ll fucking do it.
All I ask is that you let me sleep in peace. Eat in peace. Shit in peace. I’m not a Bruin or a student or a professor or whatever. I don’t fucking belong here so leave me the fuck alone. I hate all of you.