INDIO — After canceling his Coachella Weekend 2 set, Frank Ocean announced that he would be stepping away from the public eye for another 7 years. “It’s unreasonable that I have to show up to places on time and perform without lip-syncing,” explained Ocean, as he adjusted his $25,000 cock ring. “During my second hiatus, I’ll devote my time to raising my Met Gala robot baby, redying my hair green, and copyright-striking TikToks of my performance. I don’t know why everyone’s mad—I thought you guys liked crying to my music!” At press time, Ocean’s twerking security guard was feverishly planning his own headliner performance featuring the robot baby.