WASHINGTON, D.C.—After their triumphant showing at the recent Hurricane Relief Benefit Concert, the five living former presidents have decided to take their careers to the next level by founding a boy band. The five former heads of state, under the alias P.O.T.U.S. (People Only Think Us Sexy) couldn’t be more excited.
“We’ve accomplished the mission,” said former president George W. Bush, exuberantly ducking to avoid fans throwing shoes plastered with love notes at him.
The group’s marketing plan is simple: take common boy band tropes and apply them to these mostly elderly gentlemen.
“Well, I’m the cute one,” said a beaming Jimmy Carter, who insists on going by the nickname JC. “Then there’s HW, he’s the older brother figure, George W is the shy one, though I know the people of Iraq don’t think so,” he muttered quietly, “oh and Bill, Bill’s the heartthrob. And Barry, well, he’s the bad boy, for historically obvious reasons,” he said before admitting he was glad Ronald Reagan wasn’t alive to be in the group.
Already the industry is buzzing, with their debut EP said to be a bigger release than any Backstreet Boys project to date. Women elderly and middle-aged are lining up to buy P.O.T.U.S.’s new album, “Hail to the Queef.”
“For me, one of my favorite tracks off this album that people are really going to like is ‘Erection on the Night of Election,’” said Obama. “I sing that one just for Michelle, as well as another favorite of mine ‘Stuff You Like a Ballot Box’. Oh yeah, and I can’t forget possibly the most rhythmically complex song on this masterpiece, ‘(Stick It In) Your Oval Office.’”
In addition to collective hits like “(Stick It In) Your Oval Office,” the group has songs featuring a main vocalist as well. Obama pushes boundaries with a rap track called “Hussein in the Membrane”. Carter croons soulfully on “Stagflation in My Pants.” But George W. Bush hijacks the show with two solo tracks, “I Did You Between 9 And 11” and “Jet Fuel Can’t Melt Steel Cocks.”
Despite these encouraging developments, the group’s early days have not been without drama. Specifically, Clinton has been in the tabloids after apparently going out with a groupie. “I did not have sexual relations with that woman,” stated Clinton in a press release.
However convincing this response, there have already been some calls to replace him in the group with Al Gore. When asked to comment, George W. just smirked. “We’ll see,” he said with a grin before smugly walking away.
Though the controversy surrounding P.O.T.U.S. is troubling, things are mostly looking up for the group. With early sales looking good, P.O.T.U.S. is looking to release a newly recorded single, “Red, White, and Screw.”.