WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a press conference this morning, Senate Democrats announced that the long-awaited stimulus checks will take the form of a $10 Starbucks gift card for every American. “To the millions of Americans struggling to make ends meet during these unprecedented times, we hear you, we see you, and help is on the way, kind of,” said Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer (D-NY), as an aide displayed a chart showcasing the many ways people can mix and match their Starbucks orders while staying within the $10 limit. “To those who say this won’t be enough to cover the months of wages lost due to the government’s mishandling of the pandemic, what do you want us to do? We only have control of the Presidency, the Senate and the House of Representatives.” Schumer concluded the press conference with the announcement that the Senate would be embarking on an all-expenses paid vacation to the Bahamas, as a reward for their hard work.
