Cute! This Crafty Mom Taught Us Her DIY Methamphetamine Recipe!

Not again!

BOISE — Boise, Idaho native and Mom-Extraordinaire Karen-Michelle Cooper sat down with the girls in our test kitchen to show us her fun, easy recipe for crystal methamphetamine. It’s perfect for the holidays, and simple enough that any busy mom can make it!

First, you’ll need to filter pure pseudoephedrine out of any cold medicine capsules. Name brand is best, but the generic cold medicine should work just as well!

Then, just mix this pretty white powder with red phosphorus and hydriodic acid. Ideally, the red phosphorus should be organic: you should be able to find it at any Whole Foods or Trader Joe’s!

Add a sodium hydroxide solution, and drain out the liquid meth. We like to use our homemade all-natural ultra-fine cheesecloth made from organic cotton sustainably farmed in Turkey!

Almost done! Next, Karen-Michelle adds hydrogen chlorine gas to the liquid meth. The liquid should separate into beautiful white crystals. Remember, if there’s any moisture in the air, the hydrogen chlorine gas will turn into highly corrosive hydrochloric acid–better watch out!

Finally, just filter out the crystals and dry them! When wrapped in a cute sachet and tied with a little ribbon, they’re the perfect gift for anyone special this holiday season!

Remember, nothing says “I love you” like sitting by a roaring fire and taking a puff of that sweet fucking crank!


About Kylie Kinne 15 Articles
Kylie Kinne is a fourth-year physics major from San Antonio, Texas. When she’s not writing satirical news, she enjoys piña coladas, getting caught in the rain, and making love at midnight in the dunes of the cape.