Trend Watch! The Case To Bring Back Lead Poisoning
From bell-bottoms to tube tops, the next generation is scouring the history books for new and exciting ways to kick it old-school. But fashion doesn’t […]
From bell-bottoms to tube tops, the next generation is scouring the history books for new and exciting ways to kick it old-school. But fashion doesn’t […]
LOS ANGELES— Since Monday morning, customers of the Consumer Value Store have been able to enjoy a new line of products that capture the holiday […]
YOUR SILLY BRAIN — Despite a history of this very thing happening, you were once again shocked today when that phone call you’ve been putting […]
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In response to a historic decline in the American national birth rate, President Joe Biden has called for a nationwide Slut Era. […]
WESTWOOD— Fourth-year physics major John McMan shocked local partygoers when he revealed he has no life-consuming addictions. “I offered him a cigarette and he was […]
BETHLEHEM, PA — Television personality and professional charlatan Dr. Oz was spotted recently wandering the crudité section of a Wegmans grocery store in an aimless […]
WESTWOOD — Second-year communications major and amateur juggler Mike Rowe Dong is reported to have given you chlamydia after a night of passionless sex. Your […]
TRANSYLVANIA — Recent studies have revealed that doctors are repelled by apples—a fact that the doctor hunters of Transylvania have known for years. “Apples have […]
Ever since California introduced paper straws in 2019, I have been unable to harm turtle populations at my previous capacity. Back when plastic straws were […]
WESTWOOD — Late, late last night, Frank Ghoulish, UCLA Viceroy of Meals and Eating, announced that the 2022-23 school year would see the return of […]
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